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September 9, 2012
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I'm a shark, suck my dick

Journal Entry: Sun Sep 9, 2012, 8:32 AM
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Let me confess my sins, friends and stalkers.

You know, at a point in my life, that wasn't so long ago, I was in a massive shithole. This unfortunate knot of bad as shit circumstances - heavy illness, lack of stable employment, mental crap. It started when I failed to finish the last semester of my college, and went on an academic leave, marking a period of total questioning of all the profession and life choices I made. I failed to get an education at that point, I couldn't return to the military due to health issues, I couldn't get a job because my higher ed wasn't finished, and it all created a certain apathy and depression.

That is natural, I won't say that I'm completely a machine. Did I feel like shit? At times. Did I want to share this feeling? Well, yeah. But see, I'm too proud of a person to appear weakened in front of others irl, so, like we all do times from times, I've shared snippets of my "anguish" with online aquaintances.

That was a sinous thing to do, as I now am able to say. I was wrong for doing it even at those tiny amounts that I did. I can pat myself on the back that I didn't go full public with my problems and whining, but with certain people that happened. That said, I sometimes behaved like a whiney angsty complaining asshole. That's the sin, and I'm ashamed presently. I should've done what I did later in the first place, take some pills and shut up.

Yep. But, here's the thing - I always felt shitty for doing that, and despite everything, tried to minimize the whining coming from me. However, the people and "friends" that I communicated with, on the other hand, went lots more far than I did in their incessant whining, and because I was able to give good advice to anyone, but myself, a lot of these people used me as their personal tear-absorbing cloth. At that time, being an emo piece of shit, I tolerated that behavior out of selfish mutual benefits.

Let them whine at me 24/7 how they can't get a job, then I'll be validated to whine once a week about how my freelance job sucks.

That is bad people. Don't be like that. Don't share fucking misery.

But, you'd ask, what's this all fessing up about? Well, this.

Once I got to the lowest point, I was alone. IRL, and online. When I struck the "let's blow brains out" line, no one was there to hold my hand. And, let me underline that - it's logical and normal. It's good it was so, how things should be. You've got a problem? Deal with it yourself. I dealt with it. Baron Munchausen's method of dragging yourself out of a mud pit worked, and I got stronger, much stronger.  Or rather, returned to my normal state of mind.

I looked at stuff, at the problem on my hands, analyzed it as I should've done more than a year before the hellercoaster started, and solved it. Went to a doctor, and fixed my brain. Finished education. Got a good paying job that allows me to be public and noticeable. Fixed my health, stopped drinking. All fucking alone, without shitty crutches. Yeah, I'm awesome. Que "Eye of the Tiger".

But most importantly, I had learned to SHUT THE FUCK UP and completely stop seeking asspats stemming through "woe is me, I'm so miserable baww" tactics.
That was the best thing. Communication should bring joy, positivity (yes, coming from me that sounds rich, but hey), creative spurs and expansion of knowledge.
I decided I would focus on that. And I also decided, that I'm no longer gonna tolerate the angsty emo crap from others. That I won't solve their problems, that I won't play a shrink with them, that I won't encourage them when they're "down in the dumps".

Why? Because people who are perpetually down in the dumps will NEVER abandon the dumps. Because they are emotional and mental vampires, who gain validation from seeking comforts and condolences for their fuckups and shitty lives. They're not interested in FIXING their shitty lives - they're interested only in the attention associated with playing a helpless victim of unfair circumstances.
And, more importantly - they'll never be truely happy when you succeed, when you fix your problems, when you're happy. When you're content, you're not as easily manipulated, so they WILL seek to always keep you in the state of disstress.

Here comes the funny part.

While IRL, at my workplace, this tactic of just being a centerfold of awesome and energy helped me A LOT, on the internet, the new and improved Torture-Device, wasn't as successfull.

Plainly said, people that were used to the more angsty and dissatisfied me, who in exchange for alievating this angst would give them back the attention for their misery, were disappointed.

Because I no longer tolerated bullshit. No longer tolerated excuses.

You don't have a job? Well PUT SOME EFFORT into finding one, not whine about how the stars aren't aligned in the right pattern, or the economy, or how you can't afford to commute or some shit.
You have emotional problems? WELL GO GET SOME MEDS instead of complaining.
Your life doesn't fully satisfy you? Then DO something about it.

People who fail that, and continue on with their crap, automatically loose cred in my eyes. But what happened when I started implementing this "not tolerance for passive angsty whining" policy? When I started telling people that they suck and are the main reason for their own failings? When I started telling the truth, and not offer a handkerchief for their snot and tears? Oh they got mad. Mad as hell, my former "friends".
But where they my "friends"? Heck no. I always knew it, but some communication is better than none, right, when you're a pathetic loser? Nope. These were mosquitoes, latched onto my back, sucking my blood out because I was, even in the weakened state, still stronger than them and offered a helping hand. They'd mostly dismiss my shit though, and go on a round of relaying their problems to me - much more insignificant than mine, truth be told.

"Oh yeah, TD, I'm sorry you got TB and have to live off your parent's money to buy yourself meds, I WISH I could do something, alas I can't - listen, something HORRIBUL HAPPENED TO ME, MY NOTEBOOK BROKE BAWW BAWW FOR 35 PARAGRAPHS".

Others went on about their romantic relationship problems, well aware that I don't care since I don't get em. Others would constantly whine about their shitty art. Even more others, would just whine about their job sucking. Nothing ever good happens in the lives of these individuals. They're always sick, always suffering, always tired, apathetic, uncreative and can't talk about anything other but their special selves.

So, point is, I don't like it. More so, people that have interacted with me, know precisely that I'm a rude, abrasive and blunt person - oh, they'd praise me for it when it's not about them. It's funny, they regard you as a mean asshole, big predator; yet they, the prey, were allowed to tag along with you and feel badass for once. And when you gtt over their bullshit and showed the fangs, they simply act hurt and in disbelief. BITCHES, YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DEALING WITH, as one of my actual friends had put it. Swimming with the sharks sure gives some inner validation, but god forbid the sharks smell your blood. They simply have no right, right? But I'm not budging, assholes.

One person even had the audacity to tell me the following: "I liked you better when you were sick and distressed, now you're just mean and don't listen to me". Seriously.

But this kind sounds like whining, doesn't it?

Point is, I've no loyalities to cunts on the internet. Consider this a warning, people who think they're my OL buddies foreverz. I will fuck you up if you're a cunt. I discard people I don't find interesting, I sever connections and don't feel jack shit about it.

In actuality, this was spurned by the following. One day, bored at work, I look up my deviantwatch and see yet another whiny journal from a person who's life is a total mess, channeling to the internet public their private family affairs and seeking for asspats and attention. I was like "bitch, I'm sick of it, look reality in the eye", and posted a comment on the entry, saying how I see it.
Woah woah, there goes the shitstorm. The person in question baleets the entry, hides my comment and blocks me. I don't see it, naturally, since I don't return to the entry after posting.

Today, however, another person sends me an adorable screenshot of a Facebook post from the same person, where the following is being said: "I'm totally not going to dA untill all the people who think TD is a great person unfriend me here and unwatch there. I didn't even deign the moron a response on DA - he's not worth my time" (yeah really, not worth time, but worth a post). Then this person proceeds to call me a "crank, motherfucker, jackass, jerk" and proceed to tell how I'm a horrible person. Prolly there's more, but I can't see it cuz I have no Facebook.

Nice talking behind the back.

So, really, what I want to say is this - get yourself rid of leeches, who are with you only when you're weak, and hate you when you're strong, happy, productive and successful. Don't tolerate whining. Don't give into the asskisses these people give - in result, when you rise above them, they'll bite you right back in the ass, because they've always known you were better and more adequate then their inferior selves.

Kick ass, chew gum and hold no ties to weaklings.

Add a Comment:
 
:iconexarch-of-khaine:
I think I'm going to start referring my whiny friends to this page when they whine at me online.
Reply
:icontr01ka:
Tr01ka Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
What a touching, heartwarming story of TRU FIENDSHUP. For some strange reason, final part made me laugh a bit.
Reply
:iconpulpooscuro:
PulpoOscuro Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I read this journal when I was depressed, realized I was being a mopey little fag, and felt better.
I showed this journal to depressed friends. Don't know what it did, but it cheered them up too.
This shit is a pretty impressive pep talk. Thanks.
Reply
:iconthe-myster-man:
Raaaaawww, finishing up highschool for my Education. Gonna hop in dem navies. It's good to see you're still writing up these journals. Few give a good chuckles.

"Today, however, another person sends me an adorable screenshot of a Facebook post from the same person, where the following is being said: "I'm totally not going to dA untill all the people who think TD is a great person unfriend me here and unwatch there. I didn't even deign the moron a response on DA - he's not worth my time" (yeah really, not worth time, but worth a post). Then this person proceeds to call me a "crank, motherfucker, jackass, jerk" and proceed to tell how I'm a horrible person. Prolly there's more, but I can't see it cuz I have no Facebook." <--- Gold sir. Made me LOL.
Reply
:iconzarim:
A pep talk.

From TD.

Cue "Now I've seen everything", *gunshot*.
Reply
:iconsors-the-luck-bot:
Sors-the-luck-bot Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good shit man, I'm always looking forward to these kind of posts of yours. I always seem to learn more about myself and shake off things I've had lingering doubts about.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
Reply
:icontaytonclait:
Taytonclait Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Repress, Repress! Deny, Deny! Its the only healthy way to go! Overtime is the healthiest addiction!
Reply
:iconstitches-of-demise:
stitches-of-demise Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This journal entry is quite different from your previous compositions (rants, opinions and all that free speech jazz). I am reminded of people with crab mentality. Needless to say, as long as you keep that long, flowy, bishie hair of yours, then all is fine and dandy.
Reply
:iconmarsuwai:
I can only say one thing: Congratulations!
Reply
:iconcandiedcarcinogen:
CandiedCarcinogen Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I would have never guessed any of this. I've only been around long enough to get the idea that you're some ever-musing guy (judging by your journals that aren't just "I hate these fuckers, Kay bye") who happened to be able to paint digitally and has some well paying job (judging by how you spoke of purchasing appliances you had molested) who either went through chicks like toilet-paper or who avoided them for the sake of having one less thing to deal with.

Good on you for being able to pick yourself back up.
From where I'm standing, it seems you've done pretty well for yourself.
Reply
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